Halfway There

I realized after reading some of the comments that my posts may be scaring people about becoming pregnant. That was definitely not my intent but I can see, if you're wary of the process anyway, how what I've said so far could be frightening. Therefore I want to talk about the really wonderful things about pregnancy and the anticipation of having a baby, especially your first.

Let me remind you that I waited until now, at 38, to have a baby. This means for a very, very long time I was plagued by indecision, trepidation and fear about my abilities to raise a child. Plus I have been having a free-wheeling fun time getting all sorts of things done - 18 years of education, a couple of good jobs, travelling all over the States and different parts of the world, learning new hobbies and sports, buying a house and going through my fair share of meaningful relationships. I explained in an earlier post how I came to be in the situation I'm in so I won't rehash. I simply want to emphasize that for me waiting was the right thing to do.

I am not the type of person who is impressed very easily. Nor do I take just anyone's word for anything. In truth, I was cynically suspicious of all the goody-goody gushing that seems to accompany much related to motherhood, babies and being pregnant. When people said, "Oh it's different when you have your own" I would roll my eyes. Yeah, right. During one of my early ultrasounds, the doctor looked at the monitor showing the blob of static and said, "What a cute baby!". It was all I could do not to look disgusted. Please. Let's not sugarcoat this, OK?

Imagine my surprise and wonder, therefore, at the emotions I've experienced since the knowing period. I'm really having a fun time watching all the changes happening to me. Some changes are not as nice as others but it is amazing that your body knows what to do. If you think about what all has to happen for conception to take place and the embryo to develop properly, you begin to appreciate your body a heckuva lot more. It's a beautiful balance of art and science. I've always treated my body fairly rough (sports and fitness) and taken it for granted (one too many glasses of wine, OTC meds and junk food) but I started paying better attention to what I ate and how I treated myself once I became pregnant.

In my last post I whined about how people now feel entitled to tell me what to do as a pregnant woman. On the opposite spectrum people can be soooo nice to you. They are constantly congratulating you. People will wait and hold the door open for you. You are suddenly very popular. Others are considerate about where you sit on a bus, give you preference on where to eat out, and remind you to take your vitamins. People are generally more solicitous towards a pregnant woman.

Another change is a metamorphosis of my attitude towards motherhood. I have NEVER felt very motherly or particularly nurturing except towards dogs. If someone in my family was sick, I'd just toss them the Tylenol bottle. I don't have much to say or do around kids, although little toddlers seem to like me a lot - I think because I'm smaller than the average adult. Doing things with children doesn't come naturally to me. And yet. And yet. Now I'm drawn to babies and look at them in a new light. Their screaming doesn't bother me. I am beginning to empathize with mothers. I found myself reading Ladies Home Journal about tips on how to say NO to children and mean it. Cute baby patterns are starting to crowd my list of knitting projects.

When I first saw the little critter wiggling around on the ultrasound screen, I felt a small rush. That thing was a baby and it was inside of me. It was alive and it was mine. At my second doctor's visit at 16 weeks, we listened to the baby's very fast heartbeat. What I felt was relief that although I couldn't feel the baby or even see a tummy pooch, she was still there and sounded just fine. At my second and third ultrasounds, it was like "been there, done that" but at the same time I was secretly proud that she was doing so well. She had all 10 toes and 10 fingers, she was active and developing normally. I wasn't harboring an alien after all!

And now the best part so far. For the past 3 weeks, I have been able to feel her move. This is not as weird as you might think. Her movements are small, quick, soft thumps in my lower belly and sides. They don't hurt. I can imagine her just twisting around trying to find a comfortable sleeping spot. More than likely though she's banging around in there because she needs more room or she didn't like what I just ate. I don't blame her. But feeling her move now is a very natural thing and I get a little anxious if there's no activity for a few hours. It seems like I've come a long way from the days when I didn't think I wanted a baby after all.

At the risk of sounding like a gushing goody-two-shoes, this part of motherhood has been pretty awesome. I feel so...mature. Content. Self-assured. And very cool.

The Worrying Never Ends

Paranoia is a hallmark of pregnancy, especially for first-timers. If you are a laid back person by nature, get ready to change. Pregnant women are bombarded by well-meaning advice from books, doctors, friends, family and complete strangers. In short everyone will be telling you what you should, should not, can and cannot do.

The result of all this advice on the pregnant woman is worry. Anxiety. If it becomes extreme, paranoia. You will worry about anything and everything:

• the alcoholic drinks you consumed before you knew you were pregnant


• the aspirin you took for a headache


• sex


• throwing up/morning sickness will hurt the baby


• if travelling is OK


• what you eat or not eat


• your weight gain


• what your partner is going through


• if you will be a good parent and raise a decent human being


• having enough money to afford a child

Everything.

My way of handling this is to be very particular about what I read, who I ask for information and when I need to know. That doesn't prevent people from providing unsolicited advice but I don't usually take them seriously unless they violently conflict with something I have already taken to heart.

If you don't find a way to filter your information you will get stuck in a vicious cycle of questioning everything you hear.

Know this: for every piece of advice there will be opposite views. Pick the advice that you are the most comfortable with, whatever criteria you use to determine that...your doctor, general consensus, your own personal health concerns, how it fits into your lifestyle. For example - I really resent the high and mighty attitudes about drinking during pregnancy. I try to be smart and choose the occasions when I have a glass of wine (and no more), but I do not think women have to sacrifice every enjoyment in order to have a baby. If you want to, fine. Otherwise pick and choose carefully.

There, now *I* am dispensing advice! I suppose it just comes with the territory.

Everything is Normal

Those words are sweet. The prenatal diagnosis clinic just left a message with good news. The results from the amnio are back and the baby has the all the right chromosomes in all the right numbers. She is normal! They also confirmed she is definitely a girl. I can start buying more pink yarn!

To be honest, I never really worried. Perhaps that's because I'm blissfully ignorant of the heartache of "not normal". I haven't been exposed to the affects of it -- I don't know anyone who is or has a child who is "not normal". At this late in the pregnancy, I'm not sure what I would've done if the results had been bad news. This is a topic of hot debate among soon-to-be parents. Some want to know to prepare themselves if the child is diagnosed with a birth defect. Some don't want to know at all because what can they do about it? 20 weeks is late to have an abortion and by this time most women have become quite emotionally attached to their unborn children.

If my earlier test, the one at 11 weeks that screened for Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 18, had indicated I was at risk for those defects I would've gotten an abortion then. Karl opposed it on moral grounds but was struggling with his practical, objective side. I know me. I know I wouldn't have been strong enough to raise a child with Down's. Would it have been fair all around? I can't answer that...Would it have been a selfish decision? Mostly yes but then again, this world is hard enough to deal with, let alone starting out with a handicap.

A sobering topic but thinking about it makes the words "everything is normal" all the more special and meaningful. When I heard the message from the clinic it was like I could finally take a breath. I wasn't very worried before, but now I am much more reassured. I'm curiously relieved and happy. For someone who started on this baby journey uncertain and ambivalent, I sure am glad this little one is still with me and developing, well...normally.

The Physicality of Pregnancy

First, a disclaimer - I do not pretend to speak for all pregnant women by any means. Each pregnancy is different and I can only talk about my experiences and what I've observed or been told of other pregnancies.

I must be in the small category of pregnant women who did not get sick at all in their first trimester. Heredity, my mother, are responsible for that. Fatigue did not affect me at all either, I had the same energy as always. My boobs got bigger but were no more tender or sore than prior to a period.

The worst that happened were 2 things: for about 4 weeks I had uncontrollable hunger compounded by the inability to eat anything that didn't taste bitter. The hunger pangs were sometimes incredibly sharp and urgent. The fact that everything tasted bitter made the pangs even worse. I haven't had any bona fide cravings per se, but I sent poor Karl to the grocery store to buy every snack item I ever liked in search of something that tasted good or that at least didn't leave a bitter taste in my mouth. The sad thing was, he would come home laden with grocery bags full of food, I would open everything, taste them and then make a face after one or two bites and not eat them at all. Thank goodness that didn't last. I was very grumpy those 4 weeks.

About eating. It is absolutely wrong to think you are eating for two so don't even try that trick and gorge. You only need about 300 extra calories per day to sustain your new baby. Of course every pregnancy book in the world will tell you that those 300 calories have to be quality calories. DUH. However, if they aren't always, do not stress out. The baby will take any good nutrient stuff from your body first; you get the rest. If you don't eat well, you will suffer first. Now I am not here to get on my soap box about healthy eating because I would brand myself a hypocrite. My idea of a balanced diet is 50% healthy stuff (fruit, veggies, whole grains) and 50% bad stuff (chips, cookies, ice cream). But I am a fanatic about taking my prenatal vitamins and supplements like omega-3 fatty acids and calcium.

About gastrointestinal difficulties. This was (and is) my second worst experience because I'm prone to them anyway. When you're pregnant, the levels of hormones in your body increases. One of the effects is to slow digestion down to a crawl. This is so any nutrients to be had from your food is extracted and absorbed into the blood stream for the baby. Food stays in the intestinal tract for a longer time, leading to things like bloating and gas. Awful. Heartburn is also a common complaint although I don't have that. Maybe later. You may be constipated. My recommendation - drink lots of water and eat dried apricots or plums. It will be uncomfortable and probably embarassing but that's the way it is.

About weight gain. Yes you will, but how much depends on what you weighed before pregnancy and what/how much you eat subsequently. Most women I polled gained an average of 60 lbs!! I was in shock. Doctors consider 25 - 35 lbs to be ideal and I know only 2 women who were in that range. I am tracking to probably 40 lbs. This bothers me greatly but there's not much I can do. I eat the same as I did before, I still exercise and yet I've gained 15 lbs as of 5 months. My doctor says it's because I'm so small I will probably gain more than average, but that's normal. She said that with a smile. Eeeek!

About general aches and pains. My friend Kristy had bad cramps in the first couple of months, like a strong stitch in the side. I have had a few crampy feelings in my lower abdomen at night but nothing very intense. They say those cramps are the ligaments stretching to accomodate the growing uterus. Makes sense.

All in all, though, my pregnancy is very low key. I go about my routine pretty much as usual. I thank the stars for that because if it were more difficult I'd be extremely distracted and useless.

Misgivings

Once I overcame the initial shock of being pregnant, I experienced all sorts of emotions. Chief among them was dread. Others included extreme anxiety, sadness and fear mixed with cautious sparks of excitement and anticipation. In the first few weeks of what I call "the knowing period", I was mostly in a dark mood about it. On the surface I probably acted excited. Inwardly I was scared.

Scared of change. Karl and I didn't talk about it much initially. I wasn't sure of his reaction. And I didn't know if I wanted to be pregnant anymore but I couldn't take it back. For a while I even hoped I might have a miscarriage. Mostly though I just mourned.

I read the first few chapters of Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf. In it, she described a conspiracy of sorts against new mothers. The book was really depressing and I stopped reading it. However one positive thing I got out of it was realizing first-time mothers must take the time to grieve over the lifestyles they must leave behind. New moms get caught up in the excitement and novelty. Later, they experience different levels of depression including being sad about not being "free" anymore.

I certainly grieved. It was a dark 2 weeks or so of thinking of all the things I thought I would be giving up. Then I had an epiphany. The purpose of the mourning, I finally concluded, was definitely to think about those things but also weigh their relative importance in my life. The thinking process then proceeded to figure out, for the items that were still important, how I could still do those things even with a baby. It was actually a very enlightening and positive exercise. Slowly I felt better. I knew what I wanted to continue doing and was already thinking of ways that I could so. It wasn't hopeless! I could, possibly, have it the way I wanted.

Then there was the confrontation with Karl. And it was a confrontation on my part. Here I was, stressed, anxious and feeling like he wasn't saying or doing anything to make me feel better (although I knew he was going through his own chaotic emotions).

One evening I just said, "Look if you aren't going to be positive about this and if you don't think it's a good idea and and be happy about it then you can just leave. I don't need you moping around while I struggle with this. I need to move on."

And he stared at me with his mouth slightly agape and didn't say a word. Later he gave me a hug and asked me what the name of this baby should be. And I thought, well, maybe Samantha for a girl and started rambling on. Then he said, "OK, but I mean the last name." Which stopped me dead in my tracks. "What about Mailman?" That's his last name. Basically he was asking about getting married. I was so happy I almost cried.

After that the situation got much better. Even though we both still struggled with the reality, we were beginning to get a grip on it. Sometimes Karl still seems to be in denial but we are talking things through and not avoiding them. He is getting excited also and has already told his family and friends back home (a *huge* step). I think that once this little girl turns her soft brown baby eyes on him and smiles, he will melt and be wrapped around her little finger.

That's the plan, anyway.

How It Began

I had been considering having a child ever since my friend Kathleen told me about the old eggs.

You see, when a girl baby is born she already has millions of eggs in her ovaries. As the girl becomes older, the number of viable eggs decreases every year. After age 35, however, there is a signifant drop...literally only thousands of usable eggs. The rest are aged, not any good.

So here I was at age 35 trying to decide what to do. Kathleen scared me into thinking about it. I hadn't really considered it before because I never thought I would want a child. My biological clock wasn't ticking but I was beginning to feel a bit like Peter Pan, like I would never grow up and be mature. Like I would miss out on a great big mystery.

I really fretted. Finally in 2004 I began hinting of it to Karl, began weaning myself of bad habits like popping Sudafed every time I felt stuffy, and planning. Not a baby, not yet. No, my sabbatical. I wanted to do that child-free.

Beginning in January of 2005 I went off birth control. I had informed Karl of all of this in plenty of time, by the way. He was in denial but nodded his head anyway. The plan was simple: act normal. We weren't trying by any means. If it happened, then great. If not, well, I would surrender my body to the ravages of menopause by age 40.

It was strange. I didn't expect it to happen right away but at the same time I was expectant that something would happen shortly. When I would get my period there was a simultaneous sense of disappointment and relief. I may have even had a miscarriage in late spring but I never confirmed it.

By the end of August, I was concerned despite my nonchalant facade. I even bought an ovulation kit to use the next month. But in September Karl went to Japan for a week and then 2 days after he returned I went to Arizona for a week. I never used the ovulation kit because, well, we just weren't home together.

On the weekends we took a long hiking trip to Ashland, then ran 7.5 miles in the Bridge-to-Bridge in early October. By then I became suspicious. I was feeling good and that was wrong. I was missing something - my period. I waited another week after the race and then took a home pregnancy test. There was just the faintest second pink stripe. I took another one. Same result. That night I bought a test that would digitally tell me "pregnant" or "not pregnant" and the next morning I used it.

"Pregnant".

I showed the stick to Karl and he said, "No way. It's wrong."

Then we promptly packed up our bags in the new truck and drove to Yosemite for a weekend of camping and 18 miles of hiking.

When we got home, I tried the second digital test. Same result. How wrong can all of them be? So I went to the doctor and got the indisputable result.

And the rest will be chronicled in the next few posts.

19 Weeks 4 Days

But who's counting?

As of this writing, my first baby blog post, we just found out the sex of the baby - a girl! Oh God, am I going to be in trouble. What if she ends up like me? I don't want that.

Up to now I've had trouble writing about being pregnant, mostly because we hadn't told many people and partly because we wanted to wait until we were "in the clear". Because of my age, there was some concern about birth defects - spina bifida, Down's, trisomy 18. Most of those fears were alleviated last November with an early first trimester screening. It indicated I was at very low risk for any of those. Slowly we started letting people know.

Yesterday I had an amniocentesis and another ultrasound (this makes 3). The amnio procedure went well but it's certainly not comfortable. The results won't come in for another 10-14 days but I am optimistic that nothing's wrong. It was a cautionary test on my part.

During the amnio I didn't look at the needle but Karl watched the entire procedure with interest. He said it wasn't what he expected...the doctor used something that looked like a hollow metal tube with a needle tip. The needle part was inserted into my abdomen just below my belly button until it pierced the placenta. Then he put the plunger piece in the tube to draw the amniotic fluid. The whole thing took less than 2 minutes. I felt the needle prick and drew a sharp breath. It didn't really hurt but then there was a strange sensation of pressure that I didn't like at all. Again, not exactly painful but I wanted to push it out of my body. At one point my tummy contracted but nothing happened.

Oh the other hand, I find the ultrasounds to be relaxing and kind of fun. I have enjoyed watching the images appear on the screen, it's really amazing. Before my first ultrasound at 11 weeks I was feeling rather ambivalent about the pregnancy, still not sure that I was happy about it. And then I saw this little peanut thing on the screen wiggling around in my belly and a different emotion came over me. There it was, alive and kicking, so tiny. I felt protective, awestruck.

At yesterday's ultrasound the baby was much bigger, of course. The limbs were more defined and I was happy to see all 10 fingers and some well-formed feet. At this facility they had the technology to create some 3D images but I didn't like them. They were very creepy, the baby looked skeletal. Plus the images had a dull, yellowish cast that made them even more surreal. I don't recommend 3D until you're much further along.

Anyways, now that the amnio is done Karl and I feel more comfortable telling people. Suddenly I want to write about it so my next few posts will probably just talk about what it's been like up to this point. I want to have record of this somewhere so I'm also saving these entries in a separate document.

It's been scary and there have been dark moments, especially in the beginning. Now, though things can still be overwhelming, I am happy with a sense of contentment and well-being. Who would've thought all this would happen.