Misgivings
Once I overcame the initial shock of being pregnant, I experienced all sorts of emotions. Chief among them was dread. Others included extreme anxiety, sadness and fear mixed with cautious sparks of excitement and anticipation. In the first few weeks of what I call "the knowing period", I was mostly in a dark mood about it. On the surface I probably acted excited. Inwardly I was scared.
Scared of change. Karl and I didn't talk about it much initially. I wasn't sure of his reaction. And I didn't know if I wanted to be pregnant anymore but I couldn't take it back. For a while I even hoped I might have a miscarriage. Mostly though I just mourned.
I read the first few chapters of Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf. In it, she described a conspiracy of sorts against new mothers. The book was really depressing and I stopped reading it. However one positive thing I got out of it was realizing first-time mothers must take the time to grieve over the lifestyles they must leave behind. New moms get caught up in the excitement and novelty. Later, they experience different levels of depression including being sad about not being "free" anymore.
I certainly grieved. It was a dark 2 weeks or so of thinking of all the things I thought I would be giving up. Then I had an epiphany. The purpose of the mourning, I finally concluded, was definitely to think about those things but also weigh their relative importance in my life. The thinking process then proceeded to figure out, for the items that were still important, how I could still do those things even with a baby. It was actually a very enlightening and positive exercise. Slowly I felt better. I knew what I wanted to continue doing and was already thinking of ways that I could so. It wasn't hopeless! I could, possibly, have it the way I wanted.
Then there was the confrontation with Karl. And it was a confrontation on my part. Here I was, stressed, anxious and feeling like he wasn't saying or doing anything to make me feel better (although I knew he was going through his own chaotic emotions).
One evening I just said, "Look if you aren't going to be positive about this and if you don't think it's a good idea and and be happy about it then you can just leave. I don't need you moping around while I struggle with this. I need to move on."
And he stared at me with his mouth slightly agape and didn't say a word. Later he gave me a hug and asked me what the name of this baby should be. And I thought, well, maybe Samantha for a girl and started rambling on. Then he said, "OK, but I mean the last name." Which stopped me dead in my tracks. "What about Mailman?" That's his last name. Basically he was asking about getting married. I was so happy I almost cried.
After that the situation got much better. Even though we both still struggled with the reality, we were beginning to get a grip on it. Sometimes Karl still seems to be in denial but we are talking things through and not avoiding them. He is getting excited also and has already told his family and friends back home (a *huge* step). I think that once this little girl turns her soft brown baby eyes on him and smiles, he will melt and be wrapped around her little finger.
That's the plan, anyway.
Scared of change. Karl and I didn't talk about it much initially. I wasn't sure of his reaction. And I didn't know if I wanted to be pregnant anymore but I couldn't take it back. For a while I even hoped I might have a miscarriage. Mostly though I just mourned.
I read the first few chapters of Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf. In it, she described a conspiracy of sorts against new mothers. The book was really depressing and I stopped reading it. However one positive thing I got out of it was realizing first-time mothers must take the time to grieve over the lifestyles they must leave behind. New moms get caught up in the excitement and novelty. Later, they experience different levels of depression including being sad about not being "free" anymore.
I certainly grieved. It was a dark 2 weeks or so of thinking of all the things I thought I would be giving up. Then I had an epiphany. The purpose of the mourning, I finally concluded, was definitely to think about those things but also weigh their relative importance in my life. The thinking process then proceeded to figure out, for the items that were still important, how I could still do those things even with a baby. It was actually a very enlightening and positive exercise. Slowly I felt better. I knew what I wanted to continue doing and was already thinking of ways that I could so. It wasn't hopeless! I could, possibly, have it the way I wanted.
Then there was the confrontation with Karl. And it was a confrontation on my part. Here I was, stressed, anxious and feeling like he wasn't saying or doing anything to make me feel better (although I knew he was going through his own chaotic emotions).
One evening I just said, "Look if you aren't going to be positive about this and if you don't think it's a good idea and and be happy about it then you can just leave. I don't need you moping around while I struggle with this. I need to move on."
And he stared at me with his mouth slightly agape and didn't say a word. Later he gave me a hug and asked me what the name of this baby should be. And I thought, well, maybe Samantha for a girl and started rambling on. Then he said, "OK, but I mean the last name." Which stopped me dead in my tracks. "What about Mailman?" That's his last name. Basically he was asking about getting married. I was so happy I almost cried.
After that the situation got much better. Even though we both still struggled with the reality, we were beginning to get a grip on it. Sometimes Karl still seems to be in denial but we are talking things through and not avoiding them. He is getting excited also and has already told his family and friends back home (a *huge* step). I think that once this little girl turns her soft brown baby eyes on him and smiles, he will melt and be wrapped around her little finger.
That's the plan, anyway.
posted by Lynette at 1/13/2006 01:24:00 PM
2 Comments:
Wow...you and Karl have certainly been going through a lot of different emotions. Thanks for sharing -- it's eye-opening for me to read your candid feelings about having a baby. I'm glad things are well between you and Karl. Take care. =)
He won't be able to help but melt. There's something about a baby that is a part of your family, and I'm only speaking through nieces and nephews, it must be 10 times more so when it's your very won flesh and blood.
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