Halfway There
I realized after reading some of the comments that my posts may be scaring people about becoming pregnant. That was definitely not my intent but I can see, if you're wary of the process anyway, how what I've said so far could be frightening. Therefore I want to talk about the really wonderful things about pregnancy and the anticipation of having a baby, especially your first.
Let me remind you that I waited until now, at 38, to have a baby. This means for a very, very long time I was plagued by indecision, trepidation and fear about my abilities to raise a child. Plus I have been having a free-wheeling fun time getting all sorts of things done - 18 years of education, a couple of good jobs, travelling all over the States and different parts of the world, learning new hobbies and sports, buying a house and going through my fair share of meaningful relationships. I explained in an earlier post how I came to be in the situation I'm in so I won't rehash. I simply want to emphasize that for me waiting was the right thing to do.
I am not the type of person who is impressed very easily. Nor do I take just anyone's word for anything. In truth, I was cynically suspicious of all the goody-goody gushing that seems to accompany much related to motherhood, babies and being pregnant. When people said, "Oh it's different when you have your own" I would roll my eyes. Yeah, right. During one of my early ultrasounds, the doctor looked at the monitor showing the blob of static and said, "What a cute baby!". It was all I could do not to look disgusted. Please. Let's not sugarcoat this, OK?
Imagine my surprise and wonder, therefore, at the emotions I've experienced since the knowing period. I'm really having a fun time watching all the changes happening to me. Some changes are not as nice as others but it is amazing that your body knows what to do. If you think about what all has to happen for conception to take place and the embryo to develop properly, you begin to appreciate your body a heckuva lot more. It's a beautiful balance of art and science. I've always treated my body fairly rough (sports and fitness) and taken it for granted (one too many glasses of wine, OTC meds and junk food) but I started paying better attention to what I ate and how I treated myself once I became pregnant.
In my last post I whined about how people now feel entitled to tell me what to do as a pregnant woman. On the opposite spectrum people can be soooo nice to you. They are constantly congratulating you. People will wait and hold the door open for you. You are suddenly very popular. Others are considerate about where you sit on a bus, give you preference on where to eat out, and remind you to take your vitamins. People are generally more solicitous towards a pregnant woman.
Another change is a metamorphosis of my attitude towards motherhood. I have NEVER felt very motherly or particularly nurturing except towards dogs. If someone in my family was sick, I'd just toss them the Tylenol bottle. I don't have much to say or do around kids, although little toddlers seem to like me a lot - I think because I'm smaller than the average adult. Doing things with children doesn't come naturally to me. And yet. And yet. Now I'm drawn to babies and look at them in a new light. Their screaming doesn't bother me. I am beginning to empathize with mothers. I found myself reading Ladies Home Journal about tips on how to say NO to children and mean it. Cute baby patterns are starting to crowd my list of knitting projects.
When I first saw the little critter wiggling around on the ultrasound screen, I felt a small rush. That thing was a baby and it was inside of me. It was alive and it was mine. At my second doctor's visit at 16 weeks, we listened to the baby's very fast heartbeat. What I felt was relief that although I couldn't feel the baby or even see a tummy pooch, she was still there and sounded just fine. At my second and third ultrasounds, it was like "been there, done that" but at the same time I was secretly proud that she was doing so well. She had all 10 toes and 10 fingers, she was active and developing normally. I wasn't harboring an alien after all!
And now the best part so far. For the past 3 weeks, I have been able to feel her move. This is not as weird as you might think. Her movements are small, quick, soft thumps in my lower belly and sides. They don't hurt. I can imagine her just twisting around trying to find a comfortable sleeping spot. More than likely though she's banging around in there because she needs more room or she didn't like what I just ate. I don't blame her. But feeling her move now is a very natural thing and I get a little anxious if there's no activity for a few hours. It seems like I've come a long way from the days when I didn't think I wanted a baby after all.
At the risk of sounding like a gushing goody-two-shoes, this part of motherhood has been pretty awesome. I feel so...mature. Content. Self-assured. And very cool.
Let me remind you that I waited until now, at 38, to have a baby. This means for a very, very long time I was plagued by indecision, trepidation and fear about my abilities to raise a child. Plus I have been having a free-wheeling fun time getting all sorts of things done - 18 years of education, a couple of good jobs, travelling all over the States and different parts of the world, learning new hobbies and sports, buying a house and going through my fair share of meaningful relationships. I explained in an earlier post how I came to be in the situation I'm in so I won't rehash. I simply want to emphasize that for me waiting was the right thing to do.
I am not the type of person who is impressed very easily. Nor do I take just anyone's word for anything. In truth, I was cynically suspicious of all the goody-goody gushing that seems to accompany much related to motherhood, babies and being pregnant. When people said, "Oh it's different when you have your own" I would roll my eyes. Yeah, right. During one of my early ultrasounds, the doctor looked at the monitor showing the blob of static and said, "What a cute baby!". It was all I could do not to look disgusted. Please. Let's not sugarcoat this, OK?
Imagine my surprise and wonder, therefore, at the emotions I've experienced since the knowing period. I'm really having a fun time watching all the changes happening to me. Some changes are not as nice as others but it is amazing that your body knows what to do. If you think about what all has to happen for conception to take place and the embryo to develop properly, you begin to appreciate your body a heckuva lot more. It's a beautiful balance of art and science. I've always treated my body fairly rough (sports and fitness) and taken it for granted (one too many glasses of wine, OTC meds and junk food) but I started paying better attention to what I ate and how I treated myself once I became pregnant.
In my last post I whined about how people now feel entitled to tell me what to do as a pregnant woman. On the opposite spectrum people can be soooo nice to you. They are constantly congratulating you. People will wait and hold the door open for you. You are suddenly very popular. Others are considerate about where you sit on a bus, give you preference on where to eat out, and remind you to take your vitamins. People are generally more solicitous towards a pregnant woman.
Another change is a metamorphosis of my attitude towards motherhood. I have NEVER felt very motherly or particularly nurturing except towards dogs. If someone in my family was sick, I'd just toss them the Tylenol bottle. I don't have much to say or do around kids, although little toddlers seem to like me a lot - I think because I'm smaller than the average adult. Doing things with children doesn't come naturally to me. And yet. And yet. Now I'm drawn to babies and look at them in a new light. Their screaming doesn't bother me. I am beginning to empathize with mothers. I found myself reading Ladies Home Journal about tips on how to say NO to children and mean it. Cute baby patterns are starting to crowd my list of knitting projects.
When I first saw the little critter wiggling around on the ultrasound screen, I felt a small rush. That thing was a baby and it was inside of me. It was alive and it was mine. At my second doctor's visit at 16 weeks, we listened to the baby's very fast heartbeat. What I felt was relief that although I couldn't feel the baby or even see a tummy pooch, she was still there and sounded just fine. At my second and third ultrasounds, it was like "been there, done that" but at the same time I was secretly proud that she was doing so well. She had all 10 toes and 10 fingers, she was active and developing normally. I wasn't harboring an alien after all!
And now the best part so far. For the past 3 weeks, I have been able to feel her move. This is not as weird as you might think. Her movements are small, quick, soft thumps in my lower belly and sides. They don't hurt. I can imagine her just twisting around trying to find a comfortable sleeping spot. More than likely though she's banging around in there because she needs more room or she didn't like what I just ate. I don't blame her. But feeling her move now is a very natural thing and I get a little anxious if there's no activity for a few hours. It seems like I've come a long way from the days when I didn't think I wanted a baby after all.
At the risk of sounding like a gushing goody-two-shoes, this part of motherhood has been pretty awesome. I feel so...mature. Content. Self-assured. And very cool.
posted by Lynette at 1/27/2006 08:10:00 AM
4 Comments:
You always have such great posts, I love reading how you feel about your pregnancy. Make sure to keep a copy for her, because someday she'll love to know what her mamma felt.
Oh and your blog hasn't scared me, except for the fact it scares me because I wish I was pregnant. But it's not the time for a child in my life.
Thanks for sharing such positive thoughts so eloquently, Lynette! It's great to read about your wonder and excitement!
i love your posts on your pregnancy - don't stop writing about all of it, good and bad! and that's wonderful that you can finally feel her! how wonderous and awesome is that? =)
p.s. see you tommorrow!
It is such a beautiful experience mixed in with all the not so wonderful, I loved both of my pregnancies. My favorite memory is laying in a warm tub of water near the end when there is just a thin bit of skin between you and the baby...I would pour water over my stomach and both would just squirm and I could practicaly feel the sigh of contentment from them. I missed that utter connection when they were born, missed them being right there, safe under my ribs--missed the good place to sit a bowl of cereal as well. ;)
Post a Comment
<< Home