Babe in the Wool

It Is Different When It's Your Own

2006-08-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

As I washed the tedious pieces and parts of Karalyn's Dr. Brown bottles for the zillionth time, I found myself dazedly thinking about the irony about it all. Who would've thought that I would ever have a child. Beyond that, who would've thought that I'd become such a domesticated person - washing milk bottles, changing diapers, talking nonsense in a sing songy falsetto, spending endless hours cuddling a squirmy, crying infant to help her sleep. All for what??

A single toothless smile.

Karalyn is 3 months and a week old today. She has tentatively begun smiling, a slow, shy but sly grin like she doesn't quite know what her mouth is doing or why but she can't help it.

And then she says, "Ohwah, ahwah, ohhhwah" with a sheepish look on face. Who knows what that means. I've been interpreting it as "I know exactly what you've been saying to me and it sounds ridiculous but I couldn't tell you until now." Or sometimes I think she's trying to tell me a joke, like "why did the chicken cross the road?"

It's been over a month since I last wrote and I am happy to report that the worst of the colic seems to be over, whew. Either that or I've gotten much better at managing the crying. Karalyn is awake for longer periods of time now and she is finally interested in her toys mainly the swing, mobile and gymini. They all provide blissful periods of calm learning throughout the day. She is also an avid hiker and loves being in the baby pack on walks. The longest we've been out hiking is 2 hours around Jenkinson Lake at Sly Park in Pollock Pines. I learned that timing around feedings is key. This led to learning how to breastfeed while hiking. Tricky, but it can be done discreetly.

The latest development is that Karalyn needs to fall asleep on her own. This has been a sticking point with me ever since she was born but she's never been able to manage it until now. She can fall asleep after a certain amount of fussing when she's in her swing or baby seat, but not so well in her crib. She needs to learn this skill before she goes to daycare or she will drive her caregivers nuts and be kicked out.

Speaking of daycare, Karalyn starts in October. I am returning to work in early September, but my parents will be back to care for her in the interim. The Company I Work For has been extremely accomodating. I will probably go back in a part-time capacity for a little while, maybe through the end of the year. We'll see.

In the meantime, it's been interesting sampling the life of a SAHM. It's a lot of work and kind of boring. I don't think I'm cut out for this full-time because I just don't have that SAHM mindset, but it's been eye-opening all the same.

The Crying Game

2006-07-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

A different meaning when it comes to babies. OMG, I thought that after all I went through with the diabetes and the pre-eclampsia and chaotic delivery that I would be spared a colicky child. She is a crybaby!

Well, I don't really know if she has colic. She just cries. A lot. But when she doesn't, she's so sweet. So alert and curious, making the most hilarious faces. They say a colicky baby is one who cries 3 hours a day, at least 3 days a week for at least 3 weeks. Spitty cries here and there every day, usually in the late afternoon/evening which is pretty common I hear. She's been doing this since the last week of May. I can calm her down using a variety of techniques and sometimes they don't work at all. It's that she just can't seem to be awake and not cry for any significant length of time without being held. We can't put her in bouncy seat for more than 30 minutes before she fusses. She won't sit in her crib quietly watching the mobile. With her, it's constant motion and attention. It seems like she gets bored easily.

My mother says I was a crier. This shocked me because I've always considered myself a very quiet person. I hope to god that this is just a phase (like, 3 months worth is the average time) and Spitty will grow out of it. I don't have much patience for someone like me, hehehe.

The crying's enough to send a person to the bottle. HELLO, Tanq and Tonic!

Time Flies

2006-06-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

Karalyn is 7 weeks and one day old today. Each day there's something new with her - she can focus, or she makes a new sound, or she's gained weight. Newborns fast forward through life so quickly!

It's been a tough 7 weeks though, and that's the real scoop. Sleep deprivation is no joke when it's you getting up in the middle of the night to soothe or feed a cranky baby. Karalyn is a cry baby, probably colicky, and highly sensitive to stimuli. Even farting makes her cry. Every sensation is so new she is taken by surprise all the time. Very often the only thing that will calm is being swaddled so tightly in a receiving blanket that I'm surprised she has the breath to continue crying.

Other than that, she is a bundle of joy! So cute. So very, very precious. She has a little brown button face with a nub for a nose. When she smiles in her sleep Karl and I just melt. As well as sigh with relief, hehehe. Karl is wrapped around her tiny fingers which she gets from him.

I am busy all day. For those of you who don't have kids and wonder what SAHM do all day, well, it's care for the kids. I'm shocked at how much time it takes to cater to the needs of a newborn 24/7. It never stops. Karalyn is on a schedule where she feeds every 3 hours but it takes at least an hour to feed her, burp her and keep her upright while she wiggles constantly. Then it's some sort of playtime. Then I try to put her down for a nap. Only when she's asleep can I do anything else and it's not guaranteed that she'll sleep for very long.

I have new respect for mothers and motherhood. This ain't no 9 to 5 job. But it's cool, it's way cool. I have joined a not-so-secret motherhood society and club. Externally life is the same and yet inside it is completely, utterly, irrevocably different.

Celebrity Babies and Other Stuff

2006-04-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

If Brangelina dare to have their baby on the day I give birth, they've got another thing comin'! Little Karalyn deserves a bit of fanfare of her own...at least she won't have the horrible last name of "Jolie-Pitt". Yucko. I didn't realize that the spring of 2006 would be studded with celebrity babies. Aside from my own, there's still Brangelina's baby, Gwen Stefani's kid, Mira Sorvino's bambino, Rachel Weisz's contribution and Mariska Hargitay's child. Da Dum. It's a trend. I hate being trendy.

Last you heard from me, I was whining about drawing blood from my fingers multiple times a day. That has not changed, i.e., I am still whining. My glucose numbers have been good so far, though, and I am a little more relaxed about the process if not the pricking itself. So enough about that.

Latest news. Well, I have carpel tunnel too. This is no biggie because it just happens to a lot of pregnant women. What is surprising is how little talk there is about it. The edema I'm experiencing is pinching the nerves in the carpel tunnel tube. It presents itself as tingly numb fingertips and very stiff fingers overnight. It's like having arthritis. Really weird...I wake up and my fingers are so stiff I can hardly bend them. Only my thumbs seem operational which makes grabbing toilet paper rather comical.

Latest, latest news. My obgyn nazi doc suddenly turned solicitous and said, "How do you feel about taking maternity leave now?" This was, like, last week. She took a look at my swollen, nonexistent ankles and noticed that my blood pressure has crept up to concerning levels. Basically I have pre- preeclampsia. Pregnancy-induced hypertension. (nothing surprises me anymore) I am not exhibiting full blown symptoms but the doc decided to take precautions. "I want you to lie on your left side a couple of hours in the morning and a couple of hours in the afternoon." Weeellll, how do I this at work? I can't.

I am currently WFH (working from home) in an attempt to keep my legs elevated and prevent more swelling. Plus there's just generally less stress at home. I'm doing this at least this week and next week. Then I might go on leave as early as May 8th. Oh, I'm looking forward to it. At my last appointment my numbers were good - no weight gain, no blood pressure increase, no protein in the urine sample. I did, however, have to submit to another round of blood tests. I only have so much blood, ya know. The WFH is an arrangement where I can still transition the last of my work to my coworkers who are doing me a huge favor while I'm on leave.

Could there be any more not-so-good news?? No! I'm happy to say that I had a wonderfully fun baby shower last Saturday hosted by some really sweet and thoughtful friends. My future sister-in-law, Audrey, came up from San Francisco to be with me. She is super! They say the camera adds 10 lbs and it really shows up in my face in this photo. Ick.

One of the shower activities was to design onesies and I would pick the winning design. Kristy created a simple but elegant one with a flower on the front which is the one I selected. Kristy is the friend who would like the handknitted baby blanket - I am still determined to finish it next weekend.

Life goes on...and on...but the baby will be here soon. There's still so much to do. All the gifts from the shower are in the dining room and the baby's room is, well, a bit unorganized. My yarn is still housed there. I told Cyndi at lunch that if anyone ese asks me what my nursery theme is, I would tell them "yarn". The baby's room is decorated in yarn and a few sheep ornaments!

This is Hard

2006-04-07T14:37:00.000-07:00

I started crying at my desk at work today. I've been monitoring my glucose levels for 4 days now and I'm stressed. I've been doing OK with only 2 readings out of 15 that were above the recommended blood sugar threshold. I talked to the dietician yesterday about how we could fix the higher readings and I felt OK with the changes to my meal plan.

Then today at lunch we ate out at a Vietnamese restaurant. My usual order is a soft noodle bowl with marinated, charbroiled pork and shrimp as well as a couple of egg rolls. This dish is relatively healthy with lettuce, carrots and bamboo shoots. I was careful not to eat very much vermicelli too. I even took a 20 minute walk around the company campus. Yet my reading was 14 above the threshold, my highest yet! I was so crushed. And I was in the middle of a conference call so I had to do the testing at my desk. I felt so bad about it, especially since my readings after lunch have been good up to now.

All the stress got to me - watching what I was eating, counting carbs, making sure I was testing at the right times, and pricking my fingers...sometimes I have to try 3 or 4 different settings on the little lancet pen before I draw enough blood - ouch! My fingers don't want to give up any blood. I started to cry while I was IM'ing Karl about it.

It's so frustrating. I feel like I have no control. The dietician says it's not my fault but as my pregnancy progresses it will become even harder to ensure I stay below the thresholds because of surging hormones. Aaaarrgh!

I can't imagine being a Type I or Type II diabetic and having to deal with this all the time. It is draining to constantly worry about what you're eating and when. I try to give myself pep talks and say it's for the good of the baby and of me later in life. But I'm scared to eat out now! Heck, I'm scared to eat....

Carb Counter

2006-04-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

How ironic. After swearing off trendy diets, especially the fanatical Atkins and slightly more subdued South Beach, I am on a very carbohydrate-restricted diet for my gestational diabetes. I met with the nutritionist/dietician and nurse on Monday. They gave me a meal plan and my blood sugar metering kit, respectively. The meal plan goes like this:

Breakfast
30g total carbs
1 protein

Midmorning Snack
15g total carbs

Lunch
30-45g total carbs (depends if I exercise afterwards)
2 proteins

Midafternoon Snack
15g total carbs

Dinner
45g total carbs
2 proteins

Evening Snack
30g total carbs

Do you know what 15g of carbs equates to? Think 1 slice of whole wheat bread or half a hamburger bun. Or half an English muffin. Or half a cup of mashed potatoes. Or one extremeley small apple. Or 2 tablespoons of raisins. Or one cup of milk.

Protein sources are virtually carb-less so the limitation with them is the amount of fat. Vegetables can contain carbs but are generally listed as 5g per serving (1/2 cup cooked or 1 cup raw).

Fats in moderation, some might contain sugars like salad dressing or cream cheese.

"Free foods" which can be consumed in any amount include herbs, sugar free drinks and mixes, soy sauce, garlic, lettuce, mushrooms, salsa, unsweetened decaf coffee and tea.

Now for the glucose monitoring part. I have to check my blood sugar levels 4 times per day. First thing in the morning (called the fasting) and then 2 hours after breakfast, lunch and dinner. I cannot eat the snacks until after I take the glucose metering. The timing is pretty strict - no earlier than 1 hour 45 minutes and no later than 2 hours 15 minutes after the first bite of each meal.

I'm on the first full day of this diet and I'm already weeping. It's not so much the obsession over food although that in itself is extremely inconvenient and very annoying. It's the schedule. I have to watch the clock constantly. My little finger prick kit is quite interesting. It isn't as bad as I thought since the pressure of the lancet can be adjusted. I just set it to the lowest possible pressure that still draws blood. However, I've experimented with several fingers and decided that I'm not going to use the 4th and pinky fingers of either hand. They are too sensitive. Basically you need a small drop of blood on a test strip which is inserted in a glucose meter. You get your reading in seconds. Regardless of how easy this has become in the past decade, however, I am still anxious about drawing blood. Why does it have to be the fingers? Why can't I draw blood from, say, my elbow?

Oh, I am such a wimp. I think I will adjust to the food part of this diet OK...I'll probably eat certain foods all the time (e.g., yogurt, peanut butter and apples, wheat bread, egg anything) but keeping to the schedule and the anxiety about drawing blood makes it difficult. Yuck, yuck, yuck!

I'm feeling sorry for myself right now. I know it's stupid and could be a lot worse but still. Waah.

Gestational Diabetes

2006-03-25T08:10:00.000-08:00

Yep. I have it.

After fasting for 12 hours and then drinking 100g of pure sugar, I had my blood drawn 4 times in 3 hours. When the doctor's assistant called me the next day I knew it was bad news. They never call you when it's good news.

Next week I meet with a nutritionist to discuss a new diet and exercise plan. How ironic - all my life I thought I was fit and followed a relatively healthy lifestyle. When I'm at the grocery store I always compare what's in my shopping basket with others and my cart is inevitably sickeningly healthy with fruits, vegetables, juice, wheat bread. I guess my body is having a hard time processing even the relatively lower amounts of sugar I consume.

Well, this will be inconvenient for the next 2 and a half months but I can do it. The baby is going to experience a little South Beach Diet the easy way.

A Potential Complication

2006-03-17T14:35:00.000-08:00

Up to this point, pregnancy has been coming along nicely. With the exception of Group B Strep, you would be bored with the day-to-day normalcy. I've had an ultrasound and blood test since I last posted. The ultrasound was very comprehensive as the technologist looked for a certain abnormality called Poland's Syndrome.

This isn't common; Poland's Syndrome is hard to detect since it involves searching for a missing pectoral muscle and possibly webbed fingers and toes. The reason we were looking for this is Karl was born with a missing left pectoral muscle. No one realized it was missing until he was in grade school. He was never officially diagnosed with Poland's either but our genetics counselor said that's probably what it is. And no, Karl doesn't have the webbed fingers and toes. If he truly has Poland's, he's got a very mild case. Anyway, that's what we were trying to determine with the latest ultrasound. The good news is that we didn't see anything except some really cute feet and what we think our my lips and nose.

The blood test was another issue. At 28 weeks, mothers-to-be are tested for higher than normal blood sugar levels. At this point in pregnancy, mothers begin to release hormones that could possibly result in insulin resistance. Well, guess what. My glucose levels were really high - 162 points versus the normal of 125 points. I have to return to the lab next week for another torturous blood test that involves fasting for 12 hours and 4 draws of blood over a period of 3 hours. Blecchh. I may pass out. This test will diagnose whether or not I have or am developing gestational diabetes.

If I do have gestational diabetes, the treatment is fairly standard and very successful. I'll be put on a diet to watch over my (over)consumption of simple sugar foods and required to check my insulin with those finger prick thingies. If the situation is more advanced, I'll have insulin injections as well. Potential risk to the baby is that she would be bigger than normal at birth with a predisposition to developing diabetes later in life, which is the same for me.

Of course, the results of the first test could've been caused by something sweet I ate before the test. Maybe I had chocolate? Or a few cookies? I don't remember. It wasn't a fasting test and I wasn't told I couldn't eat sweets!

I'm really surprised at the test results. There aren't obvious signs of gestational diabetes. Sudden thirst and hunger, frequent trips to the bathroom. How different is that from other pregnancy side effects? What bugs me is that while everything pointed to normal, gestational diabetes now seems to imply I haven't been taking care of myself. I'm trying not to think that way because I already know I am in a higher risk group - there is a family history of diabetes and I'm an older mom - but conventional thinking says diabetes is a disease of the obese and the sedentary. I'm actually a bit offended in an irrational way that this is happening to me.

*wait* Nothing has happened yet.

I will post results from the next test next week. In the meantime, I'll just stay away from the cupcakes...and the Reese's chocolate...er, and peanut M&Ms in pastel colors...Karl's birthday cake...rice side dishes...fruit juices...

Pregnancy Can Be Boring

2006-02-26T08:40:00.000-08:00

Yep, it's true. Sometimes it's just ho hum.

The hives have gone away, thank goodness. We determined through unscientific means that the hives must've been caused by a new soap we were trying out. Ironically the soap is "Pure and Natural".

I've been quite fortunate so far that the worst of the pregnancy side effects have been relatively minor. Sometimes I feel so dang normal that I forget I'm carrying around a belly the size of a basketball.

So let's talk about the more practical things about this condition - pregnancy leave. The Company I Work For (TCIWF) is more generous than most American companies regarding pregnancy leave. As an engineering company it is male-dominated; therefore the management takes great lengths to ensure that they hire and retain women.

Pregnancy leave is a special medical leave of absence where my current job is protected and I am compensated for the amount of time my doctor recommends that I need to be out. Compensation in the form of short term disability pay and the company's own salary coordination pay means that I receive around 85% of my normal salary for up to 13 weeks.

Then, if I do not have a medical reaon to be out any longer, I can still take up to 12 weeks of "Bonding Leave". Because I live in California, I am also eligible for 6 weeks of "Paid Family Leave" concurrent with the first 6 weeks of bonding leave. I can also add vacation to this. I am still guaranteed a job at work although my current job is guaranteed only during the pregnancy leave portion.

What does this mean exactly? Well, I'm planning to stay home for maternity and bonding leave for approximately 20 weeks. I won't know for sure which combination of leaves I will be using until I give birth but 20 weeks total is my goal. I will still be paid for 75% of that time in some form or another. And I will still have a job when I return to work. Isn't that amazing?

My point of talking about pregnancy leave is this - know all your options because they could be better than you think. Be as open and frank with your manager as you can. The better the communication is, the more likely you will have a stress-free leave and everyone will be prepared. Do not underestimate how much time you will need. Many working moms-to-be think they will want to return to work asap. Unless you have a super-terrific job though, chances are good that you will be hesitant to come back right away. Physically you may be fine. Emotionally and psychologically, things could be different.

In addition to all the other things happening next month for me and Karl, we will also begin our childbirth classes. These run for about 6 weeks for a couple of hours per week. I should have plenty to talk about then!

Itchy and Scratchy

2006-02-18T13:25:00.000-08:00

Not the most comfortable week of pregnancy I've had but hopefully this will be the worst of it. My skin is one of those sensitve types and prone to something lovely called pressure urticaria. Urticaria is just a fancy word for hives. Pressure urticaria is when itchy hives are caused by tight clothing or jewelry.

Pregnancy makes this condition worse. This past week my skin just exploded with hives. I would start out relatively calm in the morning but by the end of the day I was frantic and anxious with itch all over my body. The only relief was to take Benadryl, which I was loathe to do because it seemed to affect the baby (made her sleepy I think). The doctor said it was OK but I tried to take only one pill at a time to lessen the drowsy effect.

Other than that, things have been OK.

On Valentine's Day, Karl surprised me with something so sweet. I told him not to buy me anything because he's been working hard as it is redecorating the bedrooms. However, he presented me with the cutest, Charlie-Brownest Japanese Maple sapling I have ever seen. And he got all sentimental on me by saying we would plant it in honor of the baby so that they could grow up together. Awwwww.

Wedding Dresses

2006-02-10T16:41:00.000-08:00

The innn-sanity of trying to buy a maternity wedding dress. Can you believe it? Never in a million years did I think I would be pregnant when I got married. In fact, I even told my mother that. Now I wish I hadn't because she reminded me of it when I first announced I was pregnant.

So I'm thinking of this one from David's Bridal in either red or lavender, or this one from Aria in melon, lavender or eucalyptus. I don't want to wear white because this dress could potentially do double-duty and be worn at my brother's wedding also.

This is going to be so comical. No matter what I select, I will look like a water balloon. Remember, I'm barely 5 feet tall.

Thank you all for your encouragement about the Group B Strep. Kelly, how early did your sister find out? When I broached the subject with my doctor she said, "You've been on the Internet, haven't you?" And that made me think. Sometimes having too much information can be a very stressful thing. We could all turn into walking hypochondriacs if we're not careful.

News From the Doctor

2006-02-08T19:48:00.000-08:00

I have Group B Strep. Wouldn't you know that an uneventful pregnancy was not in the cards. GBS means I am a carrier of a certain kind of bacteria that is normal in healthy adult women but is detrimental to newborns as they are delivered. If the baby swallows or inhales the bacteria while she passes through the birth canal, the baby can be infected. Babies with GBS are likely to have vision and hearing problems, meningitis, mental retardation (if they survive). There is a 50% chance that it would be fatal.

Sounds really bad. Fortunately, the treatment is extremely effective - during labor and delivery, the GBS-positive mother would be administered antibiotics through an IV. The antibiotics would then be passed on to the baby. My doctor said this treatment works very, very well. GBS babies are rare especially in their clinic (natch). There is nothing I can do in the meantime because there is no way to get rid of the bacteria...I just have it. It isn't a result of poor hygiene, sex, or sitting on a toilet without a cover. It's just there. You could have it and not even know it!

I have to admit, I was freaking out for a few days after I started researching this. However everyone at the clinic was pretty nonchalant about it, like it wasn't a big deal. After talking to my doctor I felt better. She is quite confident that the IV antibiotics will do the trick. For now, I am trying not to stress.

A doctor's visit is highly anticipated but usually anticlimatic. In the first visit, they spend the most time with you reviewing what you can expect for the next 9 months in terms of appointments, tests, etc. They give you a bunch of information that will mean nothing until you need to refer to it a ways down the road. After that, you meet with the doctor once a month. First thing you do is pee in a cup. Always. Then you get weighed. The doc will measure the size of your tummy, palpitate it and then use a device (like an ultrasound thingy) to listen to the baby's heartbeat. The rest of the time she answers any questions you have and schedules you for upcoming tests. the whole visit is 20 minutes max. If you have to take a test, someone in the office will call you later to discuss the results. Closer to your due date your appointments will be every 2 weeks and then every week.

Although I haven't felt the baby move very much the past few days, the doc assured me that my baby is very active. She could tell by pushing my tummy around. I dunno, my tummy is pretty firm, I can't distinguish anything but I'll take her word for it.

Ain't this fun?

23 Weeks 3 Days

2006-02-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

Maternity fashion is an oxymoron. There is no such thing. All a pregnant woman wants is something that fits, doesn't make her look like a hippo and is priced reasonably. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, yes.

For the first 3 or 4 months I was able to wear my regular low rise jeans and pants, albeit with the top button undone using the handy dandy rubber band trick. For shirts and other tops, I just wore my slightly oversized tops. I was lucky that most of my shirts were kind of loose on me to begin with so there was some room to grow. Good thing because the bigger boobs took up the extra space in a single breath. Soon into the second trimester, though, I was shopping in the maternity sections. I was still too small for most clothes but the jeans at Old Navy were just about perfect and I found a few super comfy knit tops on sale at Babystyle.

Having just finished my 22nd week, I am now in this in-between stage where I'm showing but not overly so, such that I look chubby but not full blown pregnant. I tried on a few pants at J.Jill yesterday. When I asked the sales lady about trying a few sizes larger to "accomodate this" and patted my belly, she looked down and said, "Oh, I didn't even notice." What does that mean? That I just simply looked fat? Nothing fit anyway so I didn't buy anything but I was depressed by what I saw in the really horrible 3-way mirror in the dressing room...thunder thighs. Not exactly the Mary Lou Retton hard-as-a-rock thighs either.

I know, I know. My body is just making sure it can support the wide load but waaaahhhh. Angelina Jolie doesn't look like this! I curse her.

The bigger one gets, the worse the fashion becomes. Remember Juliet's nurse in Romeo and Juliet? Romeo makes fun of her, "Here's goodly gear" with Mercurtio adding, "The sail, the sail!" That's what most maternity tops look like - empire waists that then bloom like upside flowers. Fortunately, the latest trend in maternity wear is very close-fitting, shaped tops but they are not cheap to come by. I was so frustrated by the cheap stuff that I dropped a load of cash on a precious few designer fashions while I was in Arizona. I have since been scouring eBay for less expensive but used clothes by Japanese Weekend, 2 Chicks and Majamas. Had I known to do this in the first place I would've saved a lot of money.

At 23 weeks and 3 days, my bump is becoming more bulbous. I'm starting to feel encumbered. It's more difficult to lean over and tie my shoes. And if I weren't so sleepy, I would appreciate the comedy of literally pushing myself up and out of bed for the middle-of-the-night pit stop. However, all of it is worth it - the baby is getting bigger, kicks furiously and has sleep/wake patterns now. I was at the doctor's last week and heard her strong hearbeat. It was very reassuring. I'm so surprised to hear myself say that but really, it's true.

Halfway There

2006-01-27T08:10:00.000-08:00

I realized after reading some of the comments that my posts may be scaring people about becoming pregnant. That was definitely not my intent but I can see, if you're wary of the process anyway, how what I've said so far could be frightening. Therefore I want to talk about the really wonderful things about pregnancy and the anticipation of having a baby, especially your first.

Let me remind you that I waited until now, at 38, to have a baby. This means for a very, very long time I was plagued by indecision, trepidation and fear about my abilities to raise a child. Plus I have been having a free-wheeling fun time getting all sorts of things done - 18 years of education, a couple of good jobs, travelling all over the States and different parts of the world, learning new hobbies and sports, buying a house and going through my fair share of meaningful relationships. I explained in an earlier post how I came to be in the situation I'm in so I won't rehash. I simply want to emphasize that for me waiting was the right thing to do.

I am not the type of person who is impressed very easily. Nor do I take just anyone's word for anything. In truth, I was cynically suspicious of all the goody-goody gushing that seems to accompany much related to motherhood, babies and being pregnant. When people said, "Oh it's different when you have your own" I would roll my eyes. Yeah, right. During one of my early ultrasounds, the doctor looked at the monitor showing the blob of static and said, "What a cute baby!". It was all I could do not to look disgusted. Please. Let's not sugarcoat this, OK?

Imagine my surprise and wonder, therefore, at the emotions I've experienced since the knowing period. I'm really having a fun time watching all the changes happening to me. Some changes are not as nice as others but it is amazing that your body knows what to do. If you think about what all has to happen for conception to take place and the embryo to develop properly, you begin to appreciate your body a heckuva lot more. It's a beautiful balance of art and science. I've always treated my body fairly rough (sports and fitness) and taken it for granted (one too many glasses of wine, OTC meds and junk food) but I started paying better attention to what I ate and how I treated myself once I became pregnant.

In my last post I whined about how people now feel entitled to tell me what to do as a pregnant woman. On the opposite spectrum people can be soooo nice to you. They are constantly congratulating you. People will wait and hold the door open for you. You are suddenly very popular. Others are considerate about where you sit on a bus, give you preference on where to eat out, and remind you to take your vitamins. People are generally more solicitous towards a pregnant woman.

Another change is a metamorphosis of my attitude towards motherhood. I have NEVER felt very motherly or particularly nurturing except towards dogs. If someone in my family was sick, I'd just toss them the Tylenol bottle. I don't have much to say or do around kids, although little toddlers seem to like me a lot - I think because I'm smaller than the average adult. Doing things with children doesn't come naturally to me. And yet. And yet. Now I'm drawn to babies and look at them in a new light. Their screaming doesn't bother me. I am beginning to empathize with mothers. I found myself reading Ladies Home Journal about tips on how to say NO to children and mean it. Cute baby patterns are starting to crowd my list of knitting projects.

When I first saw the little critter wiggling around on the ultrasound screen, I felt a small rush. That thing was a baby and it was inside of me. It was alive and it was mine. At my second doctor's visit at 16 weeks, we listened to the baby's very fast heartbeat. What I felt was relief that although I couldn't feel the baby or even see a tummy pooch, she was still there and sounded just fine. At my second and third ultrasounds, it was like "been there, done that" but at the same time I was secretly proud that she was doing so well. She had all 10 toes and 10 fingers, she was active and developing normally. I wasn't harboring an alien after all!

And now the best part so far. For the past 3 weeks, I have been able to feel her move. This is not as weird as you might think. Her movements are small, quick, soft thumps in my lower belly and sides. They don't hurt. I can imagine her just twisting around trying to find a comfortable sleeping spot. More than likely though she's banging around in there because she needs more room or she didn't like what I just ate. I don't blame her. But feeling her move now is a very natural thing and I get a little anxious if there's no activity for a few hours. It seems like I've come a long way from the days when I didn't think I wanted a baby after all.

At the risk of sounding like a gushing goody-two-shoes, this part of motherhood has been pretty awesome. I feel so...mature. Content. Self-assured. And very cool.

The Worrying Never Ends

2006-01-24T16:33:00.000-08:00

Paranoia is a hallmark of pregnancy, especially for first-timers. If you are a laid back person by nature, get ready to change. Pregnant women are bombarded by well-meaning advice from books, doctors, friends, family and complete strangers. In short everyone will be telling you what you should, should not, can and cannot do.

The result of all this advice on the pregnant woman is worry. Anxiety. If it becomes extreme, paranoia. You will worry about anything and everything:

the alcoholic drinks you consumed before you knew you were pregnant

the aspirin you took for a headache

throwing up/morning sickness will hurt the baby

if travelling is OK

what you eat or not eat

your weight gain

what your partner is going through

if you will be a good parent and raise a decent human being

having enough money to afford a child

Everything.

My way of handling this is to be very particular about what I read, who I ask for information and when I need to know. That doesn't prevent people from providing unsolicited advice but I don't usually take them seriously unless they violently conflict with something I have already taken to heart.

If you don't find a way to filter your information you will get stuck in a vicious cycle of questioning everything you hear.

Know this: for every piece of advice there will be opposite views. Pick the advice that you are the most comfortable with, whatever criteria you use to determine that...your doctor, general consensus, your own personal health concerns, how it fits into your lifestyle. For example - I really resent the high and mighty attitudes about drinking during pregnancy. I try to be smart and choose the occasions when I have a glass of wine (and no more), but I do not think women have to sacrifice every enjoyment in order to have a baby. If you want to, fine. Otherwise pick and choose carefully.

There, now *I* am dispensing advice! I suppose it just comes with the territory.

Everything is Normal

2006-01-19T20:14:00.000-08:00

Those words are sweet. The prenatal diagnosis clinic just left a message with good news. The results from the amnio are back and the baby has the all the right chromosomes in all the right numbers. She is normal! They also confirmed she is definitely a girl. I can start buying more pink yarn!

To be honest, I never really worried. Perhaps that's because I'm blissfully ignorant of the heartache of "not normal". I haven't been exposed to the affects of it -- I don't know anyone who is or has a child who is "not normal". At this late in the pregnancy, I'm not sure what I would've done if the results had been bad news. This is a topic of hot debate among soon-to-be parents. Some want to know to prepare themselves if the child is diagnosed with a birth defect. Some don't want to know at all because what can they do about it? 20 weeks is late to have an abortion and by this time most women have become quite emotionally attached to their unborn children.

If my earlier test, the one at 11 weeks that screened for Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 18, had indicated I was at risk for those defects I would've gotten an abortion then. Karl opposed it on moral grounds but was struggling with his practical, objective side. I know me. I know I wouldn't have been strong enough to raise a child with Down's. Would it have been fair all around? I can't answer that...Would it have been a selfish decision? Mostly yes but then again, this world is hard enough to deal with, let alone starting out with a handicap.

A sobering topic but thinking about it makes the words "everything is normal" all the more special and meaningful. When I heard the message from the clinic it was like I could finally take a breath. I wasn't very worried before, but now I am much more reassured. I'm curiously relieved and happy. For someone who started on this baby journey uncertain and ambivalent, I sure am glad this little one is still with me and developing, well...normally.

The Physicality of Pregnancy

2006-01-16T12:53:00.000-08:00

First, a disclaimer - I do not pretend to speak for all pregnant women by any means. Each pregnancy is different and I can only talk about my experiences and what I've observed or been told of other pregnancies.

I must be in the small category of pregnant women who did not get sick at all in their first trimester. Heredity, my mother, are responsible for that. Fatigue did not affect me at all either, I had the same energy as always. My boobs got bigger but were no more tender or sore than prior to a period.

The worst that happened were 2 things: for about 4 weeks I had uncontrollable hunger compounded by the inability to eat anything that didn't taste bitter. The hunger pangs were sometimes incredibly sharp and urgent. The fact that everything tasted bitter made the pangs even worse. I haven't had any bona fide cravings per se, but I sent poor Karl to the grocery store to buy every snack item I ever liked in search of something that tasted good or that at least didn't leave a bitter taste in my mouth. The sad thing was, he would come home laden with grocery bags full of food, I would open everything, taste them and then make a face after one or two bites and not eat them at all. Thank goodness that didn't last. I was very grumpy those 4 weeks.

About eating. It is absolutely wrong to think you are eating for two so don't even try that trick and gorge. You only need about 300 extra calories per day to sustain your new baby. Of course every pregnancy book in the world will tell you that those 300 calories have to be quality calories. DUH. However, if they aren't always, do not stress out. The baby will take any good nutrient stuff from your body first; you get the rest. If you don't eat well, you will suffer first. Now I am not here to get on my soap box about healthy eating because I would brand myself a hypocrite. My idea of a balanced diet is 50% healthy stuff (fruit, veggies, whole grains) and 50% bad stuff (chips, cookies, ice cream). But I am a fanatic about taking my prenatal vitamins and supplements like omega-3 fatty acids and calcium.

About gastrointestinal difficulties. This was (and is) my second worst experience because I'm prone to them anyway. When you're pregnant, the levels of hormones in your body increases. One of the effects is to slow digestion down to a crawl. This is so any nutrients to be had from your food is extracted and absorbed into the blood stream for the baby. Food stays in the intestinal tract for a longer time, leading to things like bloating and gas. Awful. Heartburn is also a common complaint although I don't have that. Maybe later. You may be constipated. My recommendation - drink lots of water and eat dried apricots or plums. It will be uncomfortable and probably embarassing but that's the way it is.

About weight gain. Yes you will, but how much depends on what you weighed before pregnancy and what/how much you eat subsequently. Most women I polled gained an average of 60 lbs!! I was in shock. Doctors consider 25 - 35 lbs to be ideal and I know only 2 women who were in that range. I am tracking to probably 40 lbs. This bothers me greatly but there's not much I can do. I eat the same as I did before, I still exercise and yet I've gained 15 lbs as of 5 months. My doctor says it's because I'm so small I will probably gain more than average, but that's normal. She said that with a smile. Eeeek!

About general aches and pains. My friend Kristy had bad cramps in the first couple of months, like a strong stitch in the side. I have had a few crampy feelings in my lower abdomen at night but nothing very intense. They say those cramps are the ligaments stretching to accomodate the growing uterus. Makes sense.

All in all, though, my pregnancy is very low key. I go about my routine pretty much as usual. I thank the stars for that because if it were more difficult I'd be extremely distracted and useless.

Misgivings

2006-01-13T13:24:00.000-08:00

Once I overcame the initial shock of being pregnant, I experienced all sorts of emotions. Chief among them was dread. Others included extreme anxiety, sadness and fear mixed with cautious sparks of excitement and anticipation. In the first few weeks of what I call "the knowing period", I was mostly in a dark mood about it. On the surface I probably acted excited. Inwardly I was scared.

Scared of change. Karl and I didn't talk about it much initially. I wasn't sure of his reaction. And I didn't know if I wanted to be pregnant anymore but I couldn't take it back. For a while I even hoped I might have a miscarriage. Mostly though I just mourned.

I read the first few chapters of Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf. In it, she described a conspiracy of sorts against new mothers. The book was really depressing and I stopped reading it. However one positive thing I got out of it was realizing first-time mothers must take the time to grieve over the lifestyles they must leave behind. New moms get caught up in the excitement and novelty. Later, they experience different levels of depression including being sad about not being "free" anymore.

I certainly grieved. It was a dark 2 weeks or so of thinking of all the things I thought I would be giving up. Then I had an epiphany. The purpose of the mourning, I finally concluded, was definitely to think about those things but also weigh their relative importance in my life. The thinking process then proceeded to figure out, for the items that were still important, how I could still do those things even with a baby. It was actually a very enlightening and positive exercise. Slowly I felt better. I knew what I wanted to continue doing and was already thinking of ways that I could so. It wasn't hopeless! I could, possibly, have it the way I wanted.

Then there was the confrontation with Karl. And it was a confrontation on my part. Here I was, stressed, anxious and feeling like he wasn't saying or doing anything to make me feel better (although I knew he was going through his own chaotic emotions).

One evening I just said, "Look if you aren't going to be positive about this and if you don't think it's a good idea and and be happy about it then you can just leave. I don't need you moping around while I struggle with this. I need to move on."

And he stared at me with his mouth slightly agape and didn't say a word. Later he gave me a hug and asked me what the name of this baby should be. And I thought, well, maybe Samantha for a girl and started rambling on. Then he said, "OK, but I mean the last name." Which stopped me dead in my tracks. "What about Mailman?" That's his last name. Basically he was asking about getting married. I was so happy I almost cried.

After that the situation got much better. Even though we both still struggled with the reality, we were beginning to get a grip on it. Sometimes Karl still seems to be in denial but we are talking things through and not avoiding them. He is getting excited also and has already told his family and friends back home (a *huge* step). I think that once this little girl turns her soft brown baby eyes on him and smiles, he will melt and be wrapped around her little finger.

That's the plan, anyway.

How It Began

2006-01-12T14:39:00.000-08:00

I had been considering having a child ever since my friend Kathleen told me about the old eggs.

You see, when a girl baby is born she already has millions of eggs in her ovaries. As the girl becomes older, the number of viable eggs decreases every year. After age 35, however, there is a signifant drop...literally only thousands of usable eggs. The rest are aged, not any good.

So here I was at age 35 trying to decide what to do. Kathleen scared me into thinking about it. I hadn't really considered it before because I never thought I would want a child. My biological clock wasn't ticking but I was beginning to feel a bit like Peter Pan, like I would never grow up and be mature. Like I would miss out on a great big mystery.

I really fretted. Finally in 2004 I began hinting of it to Karl, began weaning myself of bad habits like popping Sudafed every time I felt stuffy, and planning. Not a baby, not yet. No, my sabbatical. I wanted to do that child-free.

Beginning in January of 2005 I went off birth control. I had informed Karl of all of this in plenty of time, by the way. He was in denial but nodded his head anyway. The plan was simple: act normal. We weren't trying by any means. If it happened, then great. If not, well, I would surrender my body to the ravages of menopause by age 40.

It was strange. I didn't expect it to happen right away but at the same time I was expectant that something would happen shortly. When I would get my period there was a simultaneous sense of disappointment and relief. I may have even had a miscarriage in late spring but I never confirmed it.

By the end of August, I was concerned despite my nonchalant facade. I even bought an ovulation kit to use the next month. But in September Karl went to Japan for a week and then 2 days after he returned I went to Arizona for a week. I never used the ovulation kit because, well, we just weren't home together.

On the weekends we took a long hiking trip to Ashland, then ran 7.5 miles in the Bridge-to-Bridge in early October. By then I became suspicious. I was feeling good and that was wrong. I was missing something - my period. I waited another week after the race and then took a home pregnancy test. There was just the faintest second pink stripe. I took another one. Same result. That night I bought a test that would digitally tell me "pregnant" or "not pregnant" and the next morning I used it.

"Pregnant".

I showed the stick to Karl and he said, "No way. It's wrong."

Then we promptly packed up our bags in the new truck and drove to Yosemite for a weekend of camping and 18 miles of hiking.

When we got home, I tried the second digital test. Same result. How wrong can all of them be? So I went to the doctor and got the indisputable result.

And the rest will be chronicled in the next few posts.

19 Weeks 4 Days

2006-01-11T13:10:00.000-08:00

But who's counting?

As of this writing, my first baby blog post, we just found out the sex of the baby - a girl! Oh God, am I going to be in trouble. What if she ends up like me? I don't want that.

Up to now I've had trouble writing about being pregnant, mostly because we hadn't told many people and partly because we wanted to wait until we were "in the clear". Because of my age, there was some concern about birth defects - spina bifida, Down's, trisomy 18. Most of those fears were alleviated last November with an early first trimester screening. It indicated I was at very low risk for any of those. Slowly we started letting people know.

Yesterday I had an amniocentesis and another ultrasound (this makes 3). The amnio procedure went well but it's certainly not comfortable. The results won't come in for another 10-14 days but I am optimistic that nothing's wrong. It was a cautionary test on my part.

During the amnio I didn't look at the needle but Karl watched the entire procedure with interest. He said it wasn't what he expected...the doctor used something that looked like a hollow metal tube with a needle tip. The needle part was inserted into my abdomen just below my belly button until it pierced the placenta. Then he put the plunger piece in the tube to draw the amniotic fluid. The whole thing took less than 2 minutes. I felt the needle prick and drew a sharp breath. It didn't really hurt but then there was a strange sensation of pressure that I didn't like at all. Again, not exactly painful but I wanted to push it out of my body. At one point my tummy contracted but nothing happened.

Oh the other hand, I find the ultrasounds to be relaxing and kind of fun. I have enjoyed watching the images appear on the screen, it's really amazing. Before my first ultrasound at 11 weeks I was feeling rather ambivalent about the pregnancy, still not sure that I was happy about it. And then I saw this little peanut thing on the screen wiggling around in my belly and a different emotion came over me. There it was, alive and kicking, so tiny. I felt protective, awestruck.

At yesterday's ultrasound the baby was much bigger, of course. The limbs were more defined and I was happy to see all 10 fingers and some well-formed feet. At this facility they had the technology to create some 3D images but I didn't like them. They were very creepy, the baby looked skeletal. Plus the images had a dull, yellowish cast that made them even more surreal. I don't recommend 3D until you're much further along.

Anyways, now that the amnio is done Karl and I feel more comfortable telling people. Suddenly I want to write about it so my next few posts will probably just talk about what it's been like up to this point. I want to have record of this somewhere so I'm also saving these entries in a separate document.

It's been scary and there have been dark moments, especially in the beginning. Now, though things can still be overwhelming, I am happy with a sense of contentment and well-being. Who would've thought all this would happen.